Transracial Adoption - Legitimacy as Parents

I little while ago I posted about transracial adoption and our feelings on this subject. If you are interested in reading that post and the discussion that followed you can do so by clicking here.

Nick has just recently written a posted talking about the same issues and I suggest to anyone who is interested to check out her blog by clicking here.

Here is the reply I wrote after reading her post:

I really can relate to these feelings. When you spoke about the couple who have altruistic motives for adopting (because they don’t have any fertility problems that they know of), I felt like you were describing Matthew and I.

I really do get the feeling that as soon as I tell most people we are adopting from Ethiopia they are wondering what our motives are. People are quick to assume that you are adopting because you can’t have children and then when they find out that this was not the reason you are adopting, they jump to another conclusion i.e. like you want the “token” black child (as you talked about). The truth is, like you said, what is “trendy” or easy about having to answer to the legitimacy of your family in the grocery line (as I am sure many of us may have to over the course of our lives).

I believe by adopting we are filling a need for both us and for a child. We really want to be parents and adopting will fill our need in this way. We also think there is a child out there who really needs a family and the love and security that goes with that. As you said, I also get the feeling that it is taboo to admit in an adoption circle that you think you are doing something good for a child by adopting them. The truth is if we didn’t think we were doing something that would benefit the child then we wouldn’t be going through this process.

To me adoption is just another way to build a family, and it doesn’t have to be as big a deal or as complex as it might be made out to be. To me family is defined by the relationships you have with people. I love my husband as much as I love my parents and we are not blood relatives (thank goodness for that-haha). Why would anyone think I can’t find a place in my heart for a child in this same way? To me it’s not that big of a deal.

I agree there are a lot of better ways to try to help the needy, and I don’t think anyone should adopt because their goal is to help world poverty or anything like that. I don’t want my child to grow up feeling like he or she is lucky to be living with me and that he is some sort of charity. No one expects their birth child to say “thanks for giving birth to me” and I wouldn’t expect anything of the sort from a child who becomes part of the family through adoption. But if someone is planning on starting a family anyways, then why not consider the children in the world who don’t have one.

I also know there are a lot of negative aspects for the children who are adopted (loss of birth country, culture etc). This is the very reason my husband and I talked about it for close to a year before we decided to go ahead with our adoption. There are no easy answers, and when it comes down to it I really do believe that we are not the ideal solution for the child we will adopt. Ideal would be to stay with your birth parents in your birth country, but unfortunately “ideal” is not always possible. We will do the best we can to be good parents and to keep our child connected to their culture and past. I would be lying if I didn’t also admit that this has kept me up at night. Can I be the parent that a child like this needs? Again no easy answer, but I am committed to doing my best.

I also don't want to sound like I am complaining about the reaction we get from everyone when we tell them we are adopting. There is a definite feeling that we have to speak to the legitimacy of how we decided to create our family, but it is also true that most people have been extremely positive and supportive. I guess what I also want to acknowledge is that in some ways I understand why other people may question the “legitimacy”, because when Matthew and I first started thinking about adoption we were not well educated on the subject either and had to work through a lot of the same questions to feel confident with making this choice. I want to thank my friends and family for being so supportive. We know that when we bring our child home our child will not be isolated to just having experiences with us, but will be also be greatly influenced by the network of people around us. Thank you everyone who has been so great and supportive!